So I got the news that Clayton would most likely (99.9%) be staying in Iraq for 13 months on Monday. My reaction: Not to react. It didn't go over that well with Clayton (as you know if you read my previous blog), but I made up for it the following days by calling around to see if there was anything to be done to make this NOT happen. I gave him everything I came up with...now it's up to him.
Last night I went to Katie's house and while we were eating dinner I mentioned that Clayton would most likely be staying longer, yada yada yada. So our conversation got me thinking...and then when I talked to Clayton today it hit even harder and the tears started a flowing.
The biggest tear jerker was that Greyson would be almost 3 by the time Clayton came home. Granted he would get some R&R (which is like 20 days) but really is that long enough to cement a bond and witness all the changes - HARDLY!!! Since Clayton has joined the military he has missed a year of Greyson's life. Yes, most of what he missed was the baby years, which for most guys isn't a big deal and for most babies it is the same way (it's not like they have memories from that time). Greyson will probably not remember that Clayton was gone for almost 2/3 of his life (that is if he stays the whole 13months) but there won't be as much of bond as there would be if he was here the entire time. You know what I'm saying? Plus this is the time that dads look forward too...PLAYING with their children. Clayton loves that he can roll around on the floor with Greyson, or play with him in the water at the beach, or talk to him and have him respond. He has been looking forward to this since Greyson was a baby...and I've been looking forward to seeing them doing all of the above. Knowing that Clayton is going to miss so much of Greyson's life makes me very sad! TEAR!
What else makes me sad is that WE will be apart for 13 months. That is a great amount of time and people change over time...I wanted us to change together and because of each other, but if he stays for 13 months will be end up changing without each other. Of course this doesn't have to be a bad thing...when he gets home we can get to know each other again. We can date again. Or even though we are apart we can make a conscious effort to change together - do things apart to support each others changes. I've thought (recently) about taking guitar lessons. I think Clayton would like that very much...he would probably think it was incredibly HOT!!! Plus it would be awesome to learn something new. Keep my brain on its toes...make some new dendrites. It doesn't have to be bad, but it's hard not to let my head go there, you know? I won't let it be bad because I love Clayton SO MUCH!!!
This is so difficult!
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I hear ya Sis, I couldn't imagine. For real, you're stronger than I... I barely make it a week for deer camp :( You've always been super independant though, you can do it! And look at Clay and Grey now, even though he was gone for boot camp, they made an awesome bond once he was back. He'll never forget who is daddy is, no matter how long he's gone! Who knows, maybe it'll make it even stronger... what's that saying that I HATED that mom always said to us... "absence makes the heart grow fonder"... yuck. True, but yuck. :)
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